I've kind of been drinking a lot lately...
A lot compared to most people isn't a lot.
It's just a lot for someone who has always hated alcohol and only drank bc of peer pressure. Now I go through a bottle of tequila a month.
It's really not that much. 3oz an afternoon total (of tequila.. 2oz triple sec) maybe one night recently I had three but that was a depressed exception.
They're all depressed exceptions.
This post is gonna be all over the place bc I'm drunk.
I do believe my period will line right up with Jamie's death anniversary. One year ago... he changed my life forever and not for the first time.
Jamie Jamie Jamie. Can you hear me? I never believed in after-life and I still don't. But my god you must know how mad I am. He must have thought, at least once, before he left, about how mad I would be. I KNOW he thought about it at least once. He must have thought about how I would take this.
Jamie I loved you. Jamie... I stayed with you longer than I should have. You were so broken and I thought I could fix you and I couldn't. And our babygirl couldn't save you. God I had hoped she would have.
Why do I choose these broken men? Today my mom showed me a photo from 2007 of me and my high school ex Tyler. He overdosed a couple years after I went away to college, maybe it was suicide, we will never know. He had an infant. Survived by his four younger siblings. "In heaven" with his dad. His dad who died from cancer when we were in high school. Jamie's dad died when he was in early years of college. Dad's dying=dad's dying.
I guess.
My mom is one of the great loves of my life. One time she posted to my Facebook page (years into my moving away) "What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful!"
It brings me to tears now. How did she feel once her last baby had left home? 3/3 gone? Mama I love you, mama I see you. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. The reason I am strong, is you. The reason I can be alone and safe, is you (and dad).
I'm so full of grief. Grief is my neighbour, grief holds me in the night. Grief wakes me up, grief goes on long car rides and stares out at the water with me. Grief comes to me in song, in my daughters face.
I miss you and I'm so mad at you.
I never thought I'd touch a dead body.
I loved you, I once held you.
Your body being burnt was something beyond belief. I couldn't handle those days of purgatory when I waited for your body to be moved. It was some of the worst days. I knew once it was done, you were gone. No more Jamie Williamson.
I once loved you.. so much. I let you inside me and create new life. We did that together. We walked along Wellington discussing how you could have a child and they could be ANYTHING... and I told you that YOU COULD BE ANYTHING.
Jamie we wanted to move to the Danforth and raise our daughter close to family. Jamie I wished you would have gotten a job at a cool restaurant and I'd work in fashion.
But you died. My first big death. I wasn't ready for this.
7/07/2024
6/23/2024
It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse
Every day I force myself to keep on moving even though I feel pretty dead inside. I can find small joy in things, and I have moments of rational thinking in which I am able to identify what might really be the best things for me rn.
I've been indulging in unhealthy behaviours. Messaging Johnathan too much. Relying on him for help and support. Going to him for answers but he's slowly starting to pull back.
He was the one who always told me to be safe. Drive safe. Take my pills. Take my pills on time. Eat. Wear a seatbelt. Don't text and drive. Don't go to Jamie's house because he isn't responding. Don't go inside if he doesn't answer.
Then he would screen everything for me. Any media - TV or movie - was vetted by him first to make sure there was no mention or depiction of suicide. He wouldn't even let me see it. He protected me.
Perhaps most of what I'm missing/ or what I'm seeking (from a partner) is security and guaranteed protection. One person who HAS to be there for me "no matter what".
Johnathan and I always had rules regarding this. He would BE there for me, but he wouldn't tolerate disrespect. If I was unwell, it didn't excuse me for treating him poorly. And I would try, time and time again, to treat him with respect regardless of my mental state. Regardless of if I was off my meds, manic, exasperated, or just overstimulated.
Parenting does that to you, there were so many times I just wanted to lean on him as a secondary parental figure. And I did, when I could. When he was available. Over time he became less and less available for us.
It's so hard to manage our lives and schedules.
The relationship failed when we stopped prioritizing it. We were "together" but the relationship had plateau'd and my unconditional love and willingness to try harder, do more, do anything - none of that mattered anymore. Something had switched in his brain, maybe his heart too, something changed and I no longer felt any love when we were together. I desperately tried to seek it out, doing many things to try to get him to show me he still cared. The harder I tried, the worse things got. Because I wanted my time with him so badly, I wanted all his time, and the more I held on the harder he pulled away. He said he did love me. I tried to believe I could adjust my needs in order to make him happy, thinking if he had what made him happy then surely he would make time for me and all would be right again. It didn't happen. No matter how much time and space I gave him, it didn't make him miss me or want to come back to me for some quality time. I began to accept less and less. It started to feel like he didn't need me, our relationship, and prioritizing it was no longer an option in his mind.
I truly cannot fathom how someone could really love another but give up this way. HE believes we tried for some time. I believe we were disconnected for a long time, and there were reasons that we couldn't make time for repair, and a couple stand alone incidents that did serious damage to our relationship. One being my friendship ending with Eva. And now her and Johnathan are still friends, possibly closer than ever, and of course it hurts me because now I've lost both of them.
And I miss both of them so much.
And it hurts me to see him move on.
And it hurts that I'm not by his side.
And I'm no longer your muse
I'm no longer every second photo on your camera roll.
You took my drill but left this big amp.
I'm still in love with my ex.
I only just began to say it out loud, I still haven't changed his name in my phone. His name is actually still everywhere. It's his birthday soon. He made his Instagram private so I can't get upset by his posts, and I'm still finding his earplugs all over the house.
And I'm still finding his razors.
And I'm still wondering if it was the experimental drugs that led him to initially stop feeling anything for me and making him so depressed.
He told me a few days ago that he still loves me and always will.
I don't know how he really feels and I never really did. I believe the words he says, I always believed him. I just think there's more going on inside his head that he won't dare speak aloud and I partly see the proof in that based on how he is about his mom. In our 4.5 years together he opened up to me about her *maybe* three times. He barely spoke of her. I think he holds a lot of deep pain inside and locks it up and swallows it down deep and I think he struggles with feeling things.
I wish he had agreed to go to therapy with me. I think he needs it, I think everyone needs it. I know I do, I wish I could afford to see someone again, if only to help me navigate this break-up and help me to understand WHY I think this loss is so important and WHAT I really want and need from this life because I cannot and will not enter another relationship until I really know why I'm doing that.
And I just mean other than wanting attention, physical affection, and someone to spend time with. I can get a lot of my basic needs met by either validating/celebrating myself, and surrounding myself with my friends. But I do crave intimacy, especially physical affection, preferably from a hot guy. Because it's been a hot minute.
I have a need to be constantly productive, and lately I'm at odds with the house feeling messy/cluttered, all the laundry I have to do because of Delilah, and the empty spaces that still make no sense since Johnathan has left. I'd love a roomate in theory but it would have to be JUST the right person.
I still feel alone here. The house isn't that big, but without him it feels huge.
I still want to make it a happy cozy space while we are here.
I don't know what the rest of the summer holds, let alone the rest of the year - but I know things have to change. Sometimes they stay the same for such a long time, but now it's one of those times when it all gets shook up and I'm thrown for a loop.
Last Summer everything changed.
Things I couldn't imagine happen, happened.
I'm still here, I still feel the warmth of sunshine on my skin, I can take a picture of a rose, I can watch my dog sleep.
I can still love and I will learn to love better, I will never stop trying to mend my broken relationships (unless specifically asked not to cross a boundary)
I don't want to live a life of regret and I don't want to believe that I'm a bad person who cannot be forgiven.
I love you, (Johnathan, Eva, Jamie, Linnea,)
But more importantly, I still love myself, enough to try again and try again.
And maybe I won't make the same mistakes again and again.
I've been indulging in unhealthy behaviours. Messaging Johnathan too much. Relying on him for help and support. Going to him for answers but he's slowly starting to pull back.
He was the one who always told me to be safe. Drive safe. Take my pills. Take my pills on time. Eat. Wear a seatbelt. Don't text and drive. Don't go to Jamie's house because he isn't responding. Don't go inside if he doesn't answer.
Then he would screen everything for me. Any media - TV or movie - was vetted by him first to make sure there was no mention or depiction of suicide. He wouldn't even let me see it. He protected me.
Perhaps most of what I'm missing/ or what I'm seeking (from a partner) is security and guaranteed protection. One person who HAS to be there for me "no matter what".
Johnathan and I always had rules regarding this. He would BE there for me, but he wouldn't tolerate disrespect. If I was unwell, it didn't excuse me for treating him poorly. And I would try, time and time again, to treat him with respect regardless of my mental state. Regardless of if I was off my meds, manic, exasperated, or just overstimulated.
Parenting does that to you, there were so many times I just wanted to lean on him as a secondary parental figure. And I did, when I could. When he was available. Over time he became less and less available for us.
It's so hard to manage our lives and schedules.
The relationship failed when we stopped prioritizing it. We were "together" but the relationship had plateau'd and my unconditional love and willingness to try harder, do more, do anything - none of that mattered anymore. Something had switched in his brain, maybe his heart too, something changed and I no longer felt any love when we were together. I desperately tried to seek it out, doing many things to try to get him to show me he still cared. The harder I tried, the worse things got. Because I wanted my time with him so badly, I wanted all his time, and the more I held on the harder he pulled away. He said he did love me. I tried to believe I could adjust my needs in order to make him happy, thinking if he had what made him happy then surely he would make time for me and all would be right again. It didn't happen. No matter how much time and space I gave him, it didn't make him miss me or want to come back to me for some quality time. I began to accept less and less. It started to feel like he didn't need me, our relationship, and prioritizing it was no longer an option in his mind.
I truly cannot fathom how someone could really love another but give up this way. HE believes we tried for some time. I believe we were disconnected for a long time, and there were reasons that we couldn't make time for repair, and a couple stand alone incidents that did serious damage to our relationship. One being my friendship ending with Eva. And now her and Johnathan are still friends, possibly closer than ever, and of course it hurts me because now I've lost both of them.
And I miss both of them so much.
And it hurts me to see him move on.
And it hurts that I'm not by his side.
And I'm no longer your muse
I'm no longer every second photo on your camera roll.
You took my drill but left this big amp.
I'm still in love with my ex.
I only just began to say it out loud, I still haven't changed his name in my phone. His name is actually still everywhere. It's his birthday soon. He made his Instagram private so I can't get upset by his posts, and I'm still finding his earplugs all over the house.
And I'm still finding his razors.
And I'm still wondering if it was the experimental drugs that led him to initially stop feeling anything for me and making him so depressed.
He told me a few days ago that he still loves me and always will.
I don't know how he really feels and I never really did. I believe the words he says, I always believed him. I just think there's more going on inside his head that he won't dare speak aloud and I partly see the proof in that based on how he is about his mom. In our 4.5 years together he opened up to me about her *maybe* three times. He barely spoke of her. I think he holds a lot of deep pain inside and locks it up and swallows it down deep and I think he struggles with feeling things.
I wish he had agreed to go to therapy with me. I think he needs it, I think everyone needs it. I know I do, I wish I could afford to see someone again, if only to help me navigate this break-up and help me to understand WHY I think this loss is so important and WHAT I really want and need from this life because I cannot and will not enter another relationship until I really know why I'm doing that.
And I just mean other than wanting attention, physical affection, and someone to spend time with. I can get a lot of my basic needs met by either validating/celebrating myself, and surrounding myself with my friends. But I do crave intimacy, especially physical affection, preferably from a hot guy. Because it's been a hot minute.
I have a need to be constantly productive, and lately I'm at odds with the house feeling messy/cluttered, all the laundry I have to do because of Delilah, and the empty spaces that still make no sense since Johnathan has left. I'd love a roomate in theory but it would have to be JUST the right person.
I still feel alone here. The house isn't that big, but without him it feels huge.
I still want to make it a happy cozy space while we are here.
I don't know what the rest of the summer holds, let alone the rest of the year - but I know things have to change. Sometimes they stay the same for such a long time, but now it's one of those times when it all gets shook up and I'm thrown for a loop.
Last Summer everything changed.
Things I couldn't imagine happen, happened.
I'm still here, I still feel the warmth of sunshine on my skin, I can take a picture of a rose, I can watch my dog sleep.
I can still love and I will learn to love better, I will never stop trying to mend my broken relationships (unless specifically asked not to cross a boundary)
I don't want to live a life of regret and I don't want to believe that I'm a bad person who cannot be forgiven.
I love you, (Johnathan, Eva, Jamie, Linnea,)
But more importantly, I still love myself, enough to try again and try again.
And maybe I won't make the same mistakes again and again.
6/20/2024
Beyond your darkness I'm your light, I'll trade your broken wings for mine
I just miss him so fucking much. It hurts so bad. I cannot understand how I can be in this much pain and feel so alone, I never know who to turn to anymore. I feel like I'm a drain on the friends I do have and cannot keep bringing up the same facts - I'm sad, I miss him, I'm heartbroken, I want him back.
All I can think about are the happy memories. Driving with him listening to Blur and he sings the entirety of Parklife in his British accent. Hearing the door open and knowing he is home. It's so fucking empty without you. I keep confessing my deep anguish and pain and he listens and he responds but he is finite and certain that this has ended. He uses past tense when talking about his love for me.
He still has many things at the house. Mostly in the basement back room, but there are remnants of him throughout the house. I think he must not realize that, or it's things he doesn't care about anymore and doesn't care to remove. I said I didn't care but no matter what it still feels like I've got some connection to him, like he will come back, and once it's all gone I will know that he isn't coming back, and that's gonna hurt the most. I'm so scared that once he leaves my life for good it will be for good. I don't want him gone, I'm so desperate for anything, a friendship in the future, god I don't want to lose him in his entirety forever. I love him, I loved him, I will love him.
He speaks of my love for him as unconditional and says he will never forget it. I don't know how to be alone. How can I go on knowing the love of my life doesn't want my love anymore, has nothing left to give me. I don't want anyone else, I want him. I wanted him. All night, every night.
I hold these horrible, dark secret fantasies. I tell myself he is broken inside and needs to figure himself out. I tell myself he DOES still love me and will come back to me one day. One day he will wake up and realize it's me - I'm the one who will love him forever and be his best friend, why doesn't he want that? Why doesn't he want to be my partner in this life?
I want to dance with you in the kitchen again. I want to kiss your back while you sleep. I want to kiss your scars and dry your eyes. I love you, Johnathan.
My heart is so broken.
I wish you could come back to me. I'm down bad like I lost my twin, my other half was you, I hope this pain is just passing through, but I doubt it.
I will wait for your love.
I wish you would come back to me, my love. I will never understand how this happened. I just wanted to love you and be loved by you. It should be simple. I don't know what to do anymore. Please come back to me.
In my dreams it's me and you, we are driving down a country road and the sun is starting to go down. You tell me how it makes you feel bittersweet, when a beautiful beach day has to end. The feeling you had as a kid driving home knowing the day is over. That is the feeling, the pain and longing. I want to go back to that day. I don't want it to end. I want to go back and live every moment again with you.
You were worth the trouble, you were worth the pain.
You were worth the worry, I would do the same.
If we all went back to another time,
I would love you over.
I would love you over.
I would love you
All I can think about are the happy memories. Driving with him listening to Blur and he sings the entirety of Parklife in his British accent. Hearing the door open and knowing he is home. It's so fucking empty without you. I keep confessing my deep anguish and pain and he listens and he responds but he is finite and certain that this has ended. He uses past tense when talking about his love for me.
He still has many things at the house. Mostly in the basement back room, but there are remnants of him throughout the house. I think he must not realize that, or it's things he doesn't care about anymore and doesn't care to remove. I said I didn't care but no matter what it still feels like I've got some connection to him, like he will come back, and once it's all gone I will know that he isn't coming back, and that's gonna hurt the most. I'm so scared that once he leaves my life for good it will be for good. I don't want him gone, I'm so desperate for anything, a friendship in the future, god I don't want to lose him in his entirety forever. I love him, I loved him, I will love him.
He speaks of my love for him as unconditional and says he will never forget it. I don't know how to be alone. How can I go on knowing the love of my life doesn't want my love anymore, has nothing left to give me. I don't want anyone else, I want him. I wanted him. All night, every night.
I hold these horrible, dark secret fantasies. I tell myself he is broken inside and needs to figure himself out. I tell myself he DOES still love me and will come back to me one day. One day he will wake up and realize it's me - I'm the one who will love him forever and be his best friend, why doesn't he want that? Why doesn't he want to be my partner in this life?
I want to dance with you in the kitchen again. I want to kiss your back while you sleep. I want to kiss your scars and dry your eyes. I love you, Johnathan.
My heart is so broken.
I wish you could come back to me. I'm down bad like I lost my twin, my other half was you, I hope this pain is just passing through, but I doubt it.
I will wait for your love.
I wish you would come back to me, my love. I will never understand how this happened. I just wanted to love you and be loved by you. It should be simple. I don't know what to do anymore. Please come back to me.
In my dreams it's me and you, we are driving down a country road and the sun is starting to go down. You tell me how it makes you feel bittersweet, when a beautiful beach day has to end. The feeling you had as a kid driving home knowing the day is over. That is the feeling, the pain and longing. I want to go back to that day. I don't want it to end. I want to go back and live every moment again with you.
You were worth the trouble, you were worth the pain.
You were worth the worry, I would do the same.
If we all went back to another time,
I would love you over.
I would love you over.
I would love you
2/18/2024
Eva
I know that I have not spoken to you for over a month, but I think about you every single day. There's a lot to preface here, but I'll begin with saying that I respect your silence and your space, and if I don't hear from you after this, I will have to stop trying in order to respect you.
Still, I did not give you the apology you truly deserve. I'm doing this for a few reasons. First of all, it's the right thing to do. There's two ways I can proceed here. I can either do something, or do nothing. If I do nothing, nothing will happen, and there is 0% chance of ever mending anything. So I have to do something, because I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing I could tried have but didn't.
It's going to be extremely difficult for me to write this for so many reasons. I'm terrified you won't even read it at all. I'm extremely terrified it will never be enough, nothing I can say will be enough. All I have are words. All I had were words - words are what I know.
I also know feelings and emotions. If I'm speaking of my feelings and emotions, please know that it's not because I want your sympathy. I will try to only talk about my feelings if I feel it's necessary. Because I'm not here to explain myself or make excuses for my behaviour.
The bottom line is, it is never okay for anyone to speak to anyone the way I spoke to you. It is the ugliest, most hateful discourse I was capable of and I can't take it back. You didn't deserve any of this. It should have been between me and Johnathan only and it is extremely difficult to reckon with, to own up to, to live with.
Specifically, I need to address how disrespectful I was to you and the language I used. I was scared and angry and lost sight of who you were, because suddenly you weren't Eva my good friend, you were someone who was trying to hurt me, and I lost my mind - in the realest sense. Any logic or reasoning went out the window and I could no longer speak to people the way they deserve to be spoken to. My mental health has plagued me my entire life, and while I feel that I am trying to work on it, and myself, there are times like this where I feel I have truly hit a new low and that maybe I haven't learned a fucking thing.
I didn't access any skills or rationale that day. My relationship was at a scary new place and on the verge of imploding. I go over it in my head and try to see what I should have done differently. I should have spoken to Johnathan, I should have accessed help from my mom to take over with Audrey so I could have the space to unpack what was happening, I should have remembered that you are my friend and weren't trying to hurt me.
Everyone is not always trying to hurt me.
Despite fearing being hurt, I'm fully capable of causing it.
I'm sorry for everything I said but I am really sorry for scaring you with dangerous statements about hurting myself, which is definitely the worst part of what was said. The pain I was feeling felt unbearable to me but it is never, ever okay to say those things to someone and I want you to know that I never wanted you to feel at fault for anything, not my pain, not my feelings of hopelessness, none of it. It's not your fault, and it wasn't your fault, and it isn't your fault. Eva, I am so sorry.
You were there for me, so very many times. I need to apologize to you for saying that you weren't my friend, and that you weren't a good friend. It's extremely important that I address this because it is absolutely untrue and was said in pure anger and is absolutely not what I really believe.
I could write a long time about what a good friend you are. I will try not to make this letter extremely long but I have a lot to say. I'll try to make sure I get to it all.
So I met you at an interesting time in my life. Our friendship grew and evolved, you came at a time when I had lost a lot of friends and I was grateful to have someone who actually wanted to spend time with me. Truly, you are a better friend than any of us deserve, and there were times I was scared I wasn't living up to the idea of a friend that you wanted, and that I wasn't giving enough to the friendship. I'm sorry for not making it more clear that you were a great friend, that you were loved, that I care about you. That's not to say I never did, but I could have done so much more, and I could list reasons why (being a parent for one) but I will just say that you deserve more. You deserve to get what you give, I truly think that. I have always seen what a good friend you are, to me, to Johnathan, to Athena; you are a special person.
I didn't know there would be a gaping hole in my heart and my life without you in it. I truly didn't. We haven't even been friends that long, but you were one of my most often texted friends. One of my most frequently messaged people on Instagram. You were there for me. I don't know that I was always there for you. And now, I've made the ultimate mistake in lashing out at you. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me, we both know that you don't have to. There is no reason for you to.
What scares me is that you probably can't or don't or won't trust me again in the future, because how could I prove to you that I'd never do something like this again? There's not much I can do except try to explain how acting this way has severely affected me BECAUSE of the way it affected you, and that your silence, your abscence in my life, has been enough to make me realize I never want to do that again, I will do everything in my absolute power to make sure it doesn't happen again, because I never want to hurt someone the way I hurt you. Or the way I hurt Johnathan.
You're not supposed to hurt the people you love.
And truly, I do love you. I miss you, I feel something missing, most days I'm periodically sad. You don't have to give a fuck about me, though.
There's no reason for you to forgive me.
It'll be a horrible lesson to learn, it'll be something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.
But I'm so sorry for hurting you the way I did. You didn't deserve that, you are a good person.
I don't think I'm a particularily easy person to be friends with. I would understand if you never spoke to me again. Maybe I deserve that. Maybe we just don't appreciate people the way they should be while we can, and only ever realize it when it's far too late. I guess I'll find out.
I'm lucky to have had you for a friend when I did. I truly feel in my bones that it wasn't supposed to be this short, but I know what I did. I can't live my life expecting people to let me treat them like dirt and that apologizing is enough.
I think about you every time I listen to 80's new wave.
Audrey misses you. I'm mad at myself for neglecting to think of her throughout this mess, because almost immediately after the weekend was over, I realized if you never see me again you'll never see her again and how could I ever explain to her why that was going to be the way.
She loves you, so much. I'm not saying this to guilt you. She's just a kid. Sure, if this is the way it has to be, I can protect her feelings and help her understand or at least move on from your abscence without a big to-do. I'm sure I can do that if I have to.
I don't know if it's even right of me to bring this up. I really don't. I just thought you should know that you were more than just a friend to me, you were a friend to my daughter, and that means more to me than you know. It's a struggle to maintain friendships with my lifestyle and you always adjusted to that and made her feel welcome, made me feel supported. There aren't a lot of people who do that.
Every weekend she asks to see you. I truly don't forsee a time that this won't affect me.
If this truly is the last chance I have to say something to you, then all I want to say is I'm sorry and I love you and I will always love you. I understand if you are too scared to be friends with me again. I've been awful to you and although I know that's not who I want to be or who I really am, I understand if you don't believe me. I can't promise to be a perfect person. I never want to hurt you again.
Please know that Johnathan loves you very much and values your friendship so much. He always has. He has always, always said - Eva is a good friend. To him, and to me. He constantly reminded me, and in a way I let you both down. I'm sorry for any way this has negatively affected your friendship with him and please know that I want you to continue to be friends with him, he wants you in his life.
I'll be working hard every day to work on myself. Maybe I will see you again some day.
I know that I have not spoken to you for over a month, but I think about you every single day. There's a lot to preface here, but I'll begin with saying that I respect your silence and your space, and if I don't hear from you after this, I will have to stop trying in order to respect you.
Still, I did not give you the apology you truly deserve. I'm doing this for a few reasons. First of all, it's the right thing to do. There's two ways I can proceed here. I can either do something, or do nothing. If I do nothing, nothing will happen, and there is 0% chance of ever mending anything. So I have to do something, because I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing I could tried have but didn't.
It's going to be extremely difficult for me to write this for so many reasons. I'm terrified you won't even read it at all. I'm extremely terrified it will never be enough, nothing I can say will be enough. All I have are words. All I had were words - words are what I know.
I also know feelings and emotions. If I'm speaking of my feelings and emotions, please know that it's not because I want your sympathy. I will try to only talk about my feelings if I feel it's necessary. Because I'm not here to explain myself or make excuses for my behaviour.
The bottom line is, it is never okay for anyone to speak to anyone the way I spoke to you. It is the ugliest, most hateful discourse I was capable of and I can't take it back. You didn't deserve any of this. It should have been between me and Johnathan only and it is extremely difficult to reckon with, to own up to, to live with.
Specifically, I need to address how disrespectful I was to you and the language I used. I was scared and angry and lost sight of who you were, because suddenly you weren't Eva my good friend, you were someone who was trying to hurt me, and I lost my mind - in the realest sense. Any logic or reasoning went out the window and I could no longer speak to people the way they deserve to be spoken to. My mental health has plagued me my entire life, and while I feel that I am trying to work on it, and myself, there are times like this where I feel I have truly hit a new low and that maybe I haven't learned a fucking thing.
I didn't access any skills or rationale that day. My relationship was at a scary new place and on the verge of imploding. I go over it in my head and try to see what I should have done differently. I should have spoken to Johnathan, I should have accessed help from my mom to take over with Audrey so I could have the space to unpack what was happening, I should have remembered that you are my friend and weren't trying to hurt me.
Everyone is not always trying to hurt me.
Despite fearing being hurt, I'm fully capable of causing it.
I'm sorry for everything I said but I am really sorry for scaring you with dangerous statements about hurting myself, which is definitely the worst part of what was said. The pain I was feeling felt unbearable to me but it is never, ever okay to say those things to someone and I want you to know that I never wanted you to feel at fault for anything, not my pain, not my feelings of hopelessness, none of it. It's not your fault, and it wasn't your fault, and it isn't your fault. Eva, I am so sorry.
You were there for me, so very many times. I need to apologize to you for saying that you weren't my friend, and that you weren't a good friend. It's extremely important that I address this because it is absolutely untrue and was said in pure anger and is absolutely not what I really believe.
I could write a long time about what a good friend you are. I will try not to make this letter extremely long but I have a lot to say. I'll try to make sure I get to it all.
So I met you at an interesting time in my life. Our friendship grew and evolved, you came at a time when I had lost a lot of friends and I was grateful to have someone who actually wanted to spend time with me. Truly, you are a better friend than any of us deserve, and there were times I was scared I wasn't living up to the idea of a friend that you wanted, and that I wasn't giving enough to the friendship. I'm sorry for not making it more clear that you were a great friend, that you were loved, that I care about you. That's not to say I never did, but I could have done so much more, and I could list reasons why (being a parent for one) but I will just say that you deserve more. You deserve to get what you give, I truly think that. I have always seen what a good friend you are, to me, to Johnathan, to Athena; you are a special person.
I didn't know there would be a gaping hole in my heart and my life without you in it. I truly didn't. We haven't even been friends that long, but you were one of my most often texted friends. One of my most frequently messaged people on Instagram. You were there for me. I don't know that I was always there for you. And now, I've made the ultimate mistake in lashing out at you. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me, we both know that you don't have to. There is no reason for you to.
What scares me is that you probably can't or don't or won't trust me again in the future, because how could I prove to you that I'd never do something like this again? There's not much I can do except try to explain how acting this way has severely affected me BECAUSE of the way it affected you, and that your silence, your abscence in my life, has been enough to make me realize I never want to do that again, I will do everything in my absolute power to make sure it doesn't happen again, because I never want to hurt someone the way I hurt you. Or the way I hurt Johnathan.
You're not supposed to hurt the people you love.
And truly, I do love you. I miss you, I feel something missing, most days I'm periodically sad. You don't have to give a fuck about me, though.
There's no reason for you to forgive me.
It'll be a horrible lesson to learn, it'll be something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.
But I'm so sorry for hurting you the way I did. You didn't deserve that, you are a good person.
I don't think I'm a particularily easy person to be friends with. I would understand if you never spoke to me again. Maybe I deserve that. Maybe we just don't appreciate people the way they should be while we can, and only ever realize it when it's far too late. I guess I'll find out.
I'm lucky to have had you for a friend when I did. I truly feel in my bones that it wasn't supposed to be this short, but I know what I did. I can't live my life expecting people to let me treat them like dirt and that apologizing is enough.
I think about you every time I listen to 80's new wave.
Audrey misses you. I'm mad at myself for neglecting to think of her throughout this mess, because almost immediately after the weekend was over, I realized if you never see me again you'll never see her again and how could I ever explain to her why that was going to be the way.
She loves you, so much. I'm not saying this to guilt you. She's just a kid. Sure, if this is the way it has to be, I can protect her feelings and help her understand or at least move on from your abscence without a big to-do. I'm sure I can do that if I have to.
I don't know if it's even right of me to bring this up. I really don't. I just thought you should know that you were more than just a friend to me, you were a friend to my daughter, and that means more to me than you know. It's a struggle to maintain friendships with my lifestyle and you always adjusted to that and made her feel welcome, made me feel supported. There aren't a lot of people who do that.
Every weekend she asks to see you. I truly don't forsee a time that this won't affect me.
If this truly is the last chance I have to say something to you, then all I want to say is I'm sorry and I love you and I will always love you. I understand if you are too scared to be friends with me again. I've been awful to you and although I know that's not who I want to be or who I really am, I understand if you don't believe me. I can't promise to be a perfect person. I never want to hurt you again.
Please know that Johnathan loves you very much and values your friendship so much. He always has. He has always, always said - Eva is a good friend. To him, and to me. He constantly reminded me, and in a way I let you both down. I'm sorry for any way this has negatively affected your friendship with him and please know that I want you to continue to be friends with him, he wants you in his life.
I'll be working hard every day to work on myself. Maybe I will see you again some day.
2/17/2024
Big regrets Pt. 2
If I'm talking about big relationship regret, I am talking about Linnea.
Oh how I miss her.
We met in London in 2010 while making our way through the music and party scene. The first time we met was on Richmond row outside of Jacks at the bus stop, I told her I liked her sunglasses.
Linnea was there for the years leading up to Audrey being born. She was there for the baby shower, the pregnancy, I'm sure she was there not long after the birth.
She moved to Toronto but she was there for me every time we needed a place to crash, she was there for me when my relationship with Jamie started to implode. She sat with me on a rooftop on Hyman street about what I deserved in a relationship and how I could exist as a parent, as a mom, on my own, could I do it on my own?
Then I left Jamie. It had to happen. We weren't happy, I wasn't happy, and Linnea's parents let me and Audrey move in with them temporarily while my life had it's second or third major shift.
I had become a parent, I had crossed that hurdle, now two years into it just when it was getting good, (the parenting- not the relationship) I was out on my own and starting the next chapter of my life.
I found a place for us to live after a month or more of trying. I could feel we had outstayed our welcome, I wasn't ready to move on but I was. I had just started a new job at The Bag Lady and I was hopeful I would be able to make rent in a two bedroom apartment in Old East Village.
Linnea began her Big Music Career and Audrey was in one of her music videos. We spent the day in Toronto with Violet and Jeremy and Ann; it's probably a core memory for Audrey.
My life started to turn bad. I was living a wild life; in a passionate but toxic polyamorous relationship with my coworker/best friend and keeping it from everyone we knew, until we went public, and then it really didn't last much longer because what the fuck was I doing anyways, in a poly relationship with a hot young guy when I had a 3/4 year old to take care of. I wanted it all, I thought I could have it all, not looking ahead to the future or what actually makes sense for our lifestyles.
Just living day to day off love, lust, desperate hope and not much else.
The relationship totally tanked. There were many reasons. I had almost immediately began therapy when the breakup commenced, and it lasted months, and I thought I was probably healed enough.
I wasn't, I was severerly fucked up. And then COVID happened. I lost connection to people, we all lost our minds. This is when friendships started to fall apart and my mixed up feelings from my failed relationship were all unravelling in a disgusting, messy way. Enough so that it trailed into my next relationship which, in hindsight, I probably should have delayed for further healing.
Now, my timeline is all blurred because I'm fairly certain I attended therapy after breaking up with Alex but when did I do DBT? I believe it was a 6 month program maybe even a year and there may have been overlap into my relationship with Johnathan.
I'm fairly certain I did DBT after losing Linnea as a friend.
DBT ended in March 2022 so the timeline goes roughly like this:
2015 Audrey born
2017 leave Jamie, move to OEV, start working at The Bag Lady
Date Alex from 2017-2019
First ever therapist around this time
Covid begins 2020 as well as my relationship with JJ
DBT began 2021 and ended 2022.
2023 Jamie dies, I'm forever changed
2024 I wonder how I can possibly fix all the problems I've caused and continue to cause. Can I salvage my relationship? Do I have to because it's my longest ever and I feel like I can't fail anymore and I need to make it work? I know I love Johnathan. I just have to know our relationship can work and that we WANT it to work.
I do but I am so full of bad feelings.
Oh how I miss her.
We met in London in 2010 while making our way through the music and party scene. The first time we met was on Richmond row outside of Jacks at the bus stop, I told her I liked her sunglasses.
Linnea was there for the years leading up to Audrey being born. She was there for the baby shower, the pregnancy, I'm sure she was there not long after the birth.
She moved to Toronto but she was there for me every time we needed a place to crash, she was there for me when my relationship with Jamie started to implode. She sat with me on a rooftop on Hyman street about what I deserved in a relationship and how I could exist as a parent, as a mom, on my own, could I do it on my own?
Then I left Jamie. It had to happen. We weren't happy, I wasn't happy, and Linnea's parents let me and Audrey move in with them temporarily while my life had it's second or third major shift.
I had become a parent, I had crossed that hurdle, now two years into it just when it was getting good, (the parenting- not the relationship) I was out on my own and starting the next chapter of my life.
I found a place for us to live after a month or more of trying. I could feel we had outstayed our welcome, I wasn't ready to move on but I was. I had just started a new job at The Bag Lady and I was hopeful I would be able to make rent in a two bedroom apartment in Old East Village.
Linnea began her Big Music Career and Audrey was in one of her music videos. We spent the day in Toronto with Violet and Jeremy and Ann; it's probably a core memory for Audrey.
My life started to turn bad. I was living a wild life; in a passionate but toxic polyamorous relationship with my coworker/best friend and keeping it from everyone we knew, until we went public, and then it really didn't last much longer because what the fuck was I doing anyways, in a poly relationship with a hot young guy when I had a 3/4 year old to take care of. I wanted it all, I thought I could have it all, not looking ahead to the future or what actually makes sense for our lifestyles.
Just living day to day off love, lust, desperate hope and not much else.
The relationship totally tanked. There were many reasons. I had almost immediately began therapy when the breakup commenced, and it lasted months, and I thought I was probably healed enough.
I wasn't, I was severerly fucked up. And then COVID happened. I lost connection to people, we all lost our minds. This is when friendships started to fall apart and my mixed up feelings from my failed relationship were all unravelling in a disgusting, messy way. Enough so that it trailed into my next relationship which, in hindsight, I probably should have delayed for further healing.
Now, my timeline is all blurred because I'm fairly certain I attended therapy after breaking up with Alex but when did I do DBT? I believe it was a 6 month program maybe even a year and there may have been overlap into my relationship with Johnathan.
I'm fairly certain I did DBT after losing Linnea as a friend.
DBT ended in March 2022 so the timeline goes roughly like this:
2015 Audrey born
2017 leave Jamie, move to OEV, start working at The Bag Lady
Date Alex from 2017-2019
First ever therapist around this time
Covid begins 2020 as well as my relationship with JJ
DBT began 2021 and ended 2022.
2023 Jamie dies, I'm forever changed
2024 I wonder how I can possibly fix all the problems I've caused and continue to cause. Can I salvage my relationship? Do I have to because it's my longest ever and I feel like I can't fail anymore and I need to make it work? I know I love Johnathan. I just have to know our relationship can work and that we WANT it to work.
I do but I am so full of bad feelings.
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