Today I met with Audrey's therapist, one-on-one. We have had 18 sessions, two or three of which were just me and Hannah, the rest were with Audrey. It has been over six months since Jamie died. It's impossible to track Audrey's "progress" in therapy; it's a win for me that she goes at all. I didn't go into it expecting progress, because I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations. I don't know what should or shouldn't be happening.

I know that Audrey says she is fine. Audrey says I am more sad than she is, I'm the one who needs extra help and support. I'm the one who should do EMDR therapy, she's the one packing my lunches the night before.

I don't think I'm falling short as a mother, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes I struggle. She tries to be there for me to pick me up. Hannah says (in a matter of words) this is not good. Audrey sees me as a friend, but I am her mother. She must be constantly reminded that I'm OKAY and even if I'm not, I have the support I need (do I though?)and she needn't worry about me. I stopped going to therapy because I started to dread going every week and can't really afford double therapies... I probably could if I quit weed and stopped eating out/buying food.

Hannah wants to pause or end our sessions. It's not that Audrey isn't capable of growth... she just has her wall built up so high it isn't coming down. Hannah asked her associates if they had ever known of a child who experienced a parents death, has skipped all the stages of grief and gone straight to acceptance? They said no. They will always eventually experience them, at some point. Later on. In time.

Hannah wants to have a couple more sessions to give Audrey one more chance to ask any questions that she may still have, and to work on strengthening my safe parenting style in order to provide an optimal environment for Audrey to eventually feel what she needs to feel, as well as preparing me for when she does begin to show any emotion whatsoever and begin processing some part of the grief. I'm not ready, I have been fearing it this whole time, and she's given me nothing. It's too easy, I know it can't be this easy. Her dad died and she acts like she's fine. Nothing I say, no memory, no photograph, no TV show, movie or song can illicit a response from her. I cannot evoke a smile, I've never heard her say "I miss daddy". Not once.

In some ways, I feel worse than when we started. I feel like I wanted something to start and end on a positive progressive note and it hasn't. There's been no progression, essentially nothing has changed. And I'm still sad. She's not wrong when she calls me out for being sad. It hurts me deep in my soul when I think about the greater picture, which is her living the rest of her life with her dad dead from suicide. It will define her, it will be part of her whether she wants it to be, whether I want it to be. Her dad was, is, Jamie Williamson. Why him? I don't know. But he gave me Audrey and I can tell you right now I wouldn't ever want to live my life without Audrey. She is the love of my life and my heart breaks for her. Because I know that she loved him deeply. I'm the only one who really knows.

Dear Jamie I

I finally got us signed up for family counselling. I should have done it a long, long time ago. I honestly thought you and I were doing alright with the whole parenting thing. I guess over the years we communicated a little less and less because we had a hard time communicating without fighting. I had to watch my tone and choice of words and bite my tongue even if I disagreed sometimes. It was just easier that way. It fucks me up to see dads and their kids now. This morning a dad and his baby were at the cafe. The dad was making his baby boy laugh. A dad who wants to be around. A dad who is IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL. You missed her rock camp performance. She played keys again and was incredible. "Thoughts fly away like a butterfly..." were the lyrics in the chorus. She told me that inside, she is half sad and half happy. When she is mad, she is sad/mad. But sometimes, she is happy/happy. I'm trying for art therapy as well. Those would be individual sessions for her.

School is coming up fast and I'm not looking forward to that first day without you. Your mom isn't letting anyone go to the apartment, so I'm not sure when I'll have access to the rest of her clothes. Then comes more milestones, more holidays without you. Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas. I'll just do it all I guess.

I'll see everyone again this Saturday and then some. Cheater is flying in from out east. He's fucked up over this. He said he lost all the pics he had of you two so I sent him some that I found in an album on Facebook. It was Andy'sILL at APK Live. We were all just babies then. Dan messages me roughly once a week to check in. I just have a hard time responding to messages.

Audrey's going to Oshawa next week. I'm going to try to clip Poppy's nails now, because Audrey said you never did even once.

Dear Jamie

08/08/2023

I just shared my breakfast with Poppy. He has finally settled in here. July 20th is the last time we saw you. Almost three weeks ago. Every day feels both better and worse. Mornings are the hardest, having to remember all over again. So much has happened in three weeks. I still have much to do. I've been keeping Audrey busy. She's in Rock Camp for two weeks. One of her first lyrics written is "thoughts fly away like a butterfly". Her band is called LV WOW (level wow). I need a bunch of clothes that are at your house. She's been running low on shorts all summer long and I had to cut a bunch of her leggings into biker shorts so now I'll need to get all new pants for Fall. I triggered myself this morning by looking at your Facebook. I cried over the picture you posted of her at Storybook Gardens at the start of Summer break. She will start Grade 3 without you here. We've never done a first day of school without you, Jamie. My Facebook memories yesterday had two posts from years ago when I was pissed off at you for being "useless" and unreliable, then one even older one about a Daniel Johnston song and when I fell in love with you. I really wanted you to keep growing, keep going? Now all I can do is look back at the past years and piece together every single instance and try to look for ? I don't know what I'm looking for. Answers or clues. Something to ease the pain. It doesn't work like that, I'm pretty sure. Just like we looked for a note. Well someone told me the coroner told them there wasn't a note. I don't know where your phone is, your wallet? I need to talk to your mom again. I've been avoiding, mostly everyone lately. I wish I could call you up. I feel like I will never forget your voice. I'm so mad at you all over again. I have one big cry every day. She doesn't cry. I don't understand it, she would whine and pine for you when she knew she could. Know she just knows - she doesn't say much. Last night when Johnathan was playing The Witcher, she said "my dad beat this game twice". Later she said "I don't remember this part from when my dad played it."

She's playing keys again this week at camp. Next week she will do vocals. Random girls keep adding me to Facebook. I just accept the requests because I figure maybe they want to see pictures or memories of you. Today is for looking into therapy. I should have pushed you harder for it. I should have stuck my nose in your business, got involved, if only I had known had bad it had become for you. Everyone says you can't blame yourself *at all* but I regret not trying harder. Because I'd do anything for Audrey - and that meant making sure she had her dad around. And for that I will always feel like I failed her a little. I know you loved her. That's why I can't understand how you could let it end. You can't see us anymore. Your body doesn't even exist anymore. That fucks me up so hard. I didn't want you to be cremated but I knew it had to be done. I didn't want you to slowly decay either I guess. It's like how I held you for a second longer even though my logic immediately told me if you were that cold you were surely gone. My brain worked things out so fast in those last seconds together. I knew you were gone, I saw, felt, smelled, all the signs, but I held you one last second in my arms before I knew I would never touch you or see you again. That was my closure. It was me, Jamie. I was the one who found you. I was the one who called and called and finally came over to see you and talk to you. I did care. God I wish you had known.

Audrey summer '16

Here are some pictures from June that I've been meaning to share. Best friend got her camera up and running again, so we went to her parents' house and had a photoshoot. Enjoy!



All photos by the fabulous Jess Eykens

when I kissed you girl I knew how sweet a kiss could be, like the summer sunshine pour your sweetness over me

Okay sooo they've been doing a reboot of Archie Comics, first it was Afterlife with Archie, then I think the guy who did that got all the rights or whatever to do new Archies, now they're releasing new Betty & Veronica cartoons - and I am over the moon about it. I have been obsessed with B&V since... forever. I have read Archie comics my whole life and I lived for Betty, Veronica, Sabrina, Josie & the Pussycats, and even Cheryl Blossom! We used to have an art room with a light table and I would sit and trace different outfits worn by the various ladies. I had pages and pages of them, and it wasn't until I was in my first year of fashion design at college that I realized all those tracings actually came in handy.

They released a ton of various covers for the first issue, so I'm sharing all of my favourites because the artwork is so awesome!

Cover art by: Mahmud Asrar

Cover art by: Audrey Mok - Love Ronnie's pink leather jacket!

Cover art by: Stephanie Buscema

Cover art by: Veronica Fish - Love the colours in the sky, and the stickers on the bike!

Cover art by: Rebekah Isaacs, Kelly Fitzpatrick

Cover art by: Bilquis Evely

Cover art by: Tom Bancroft - Betty's outfit is so cute!

Cover art by: Chrissie Zulo - This cover is amazing! I want it as a print for my living room wall

Cover art by: Tula Lotay - I love how different this cover is, old romance novel style and beautifully drawn from the finger waves to the milkshake!

Cover art by: Jenn St. Onge - Ronnie WOULD be the selfie queen. Love how curvy the girls are here!

Cover art by: Alitha Martinez, Kelly Fitzpatrick - Loving the outfits again! Veronica's whole outfit plus Betty's wristband are straight outta American Apparel

Cover art by: Colleen Coover - I love this cover so much! It reminds me of the episode of The O.C. where they drive to Mexico. Ronnie's sunglasses are so cute

Cover art by: Cliff Chiang - This is almost my favourite cover. Mostly because... Frappuccino cup!!! Plus there's just a nice symmetry to it

Cover art by: Francesco Francavilla - Second fave cover! Our girls on a playing card - two queens

Cover art by: Genevieve F.T. - My favourite cover! Love the style the girls are illustrated in, the softness and the fullness of everything. Betty's bun is way too cute

Cover art by: Adam Hughes - This is the original/main cover for the first issue, by the main guy himself!