I've kind of been drinking a lot lately...
A lot compared to most people isn't a lot.
It's just a lot for someone who has always hated alcohol and only drank bc of peer pressure. Now I go through a bottle of tequila a month.
It's really not that much. 3oz an afternoon total (of tequila.. 2oz triple sec) maybe one night recently I had three but that was a depressed exception.
They're all depressed exceptions.
This post is gonna be all over the place bc I'm drunk.
I do believe my period will line right up with Jamie's death anniversary. One year ago... he changed my life forever and not for the first time.
Jamie Jamie Jamie. Can you hear me? I never believed in after-life and I still don't. But my god you must know how mad I am. He must have thought, at least once, before he left, about how mad I would be. I KNOW he thought about it at least once. He must have thought about how I would take this.
Jamie I loved you. Jamie... I stayed with you longer than I should have. You were so broken and I thought I could fix you and I couldn't. And our babygirl couldn't save you. God I had hoped she would have.
Why do I choose these broken men? Today my mom showed me a photo from 2007 of me and my high school ex Tyler. He overdosed a couple years after I went away to college, maybe it was suicide, we will never know. He had an infant. Survived by his four younger siblings. "In heaven" with his dad. His dad who died from cancer when we were in high school. Jamie's dad died when he was in early years of college. Dad's dying=dad's dying.
I guess.
My mom is one of the great loves of my life. One time she posted to my Facebook page (years into my moving away) "What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful!"
It brings me to tears now. How did she feel once her last baby had left home? 3/3 gone? Mama I love you, mama I see you. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. The reason I am strong, is you. The reason I can be alone and safe, is you (and dad).
I'm so full of grief. Grief is my neighbour, grief holds me in the night. Grief wakes me up, grief goes on long car rides and stares out at the water with me. Grief comes to me in song, in my daughters face.
I miss you and I'm so mad at you.
I never thought I'd touch a dead body.
I loved you, I once held you.
Your body being burnt was something beyond belief. I couldn't handle those days of purgatory when I waited for your body to be moved. It was some of the worst days. I knew once it was done, you were gone. No more Jamie Williamson.
I once loved you.. so much. I let you inside me and create new life. We did that together. We walked along Wellington discussing how you could have a child and they could be ANYTHING... and I told you that YOU COULD BE ANYTHING.
Jamie we wanted to move to the Danforth and raise our daughter close to family. Jamie I wished you would have gotten a job at a cool restaurant and I'd work in fashion.
But you died. My first big death. I wasn't ready for this.
