Eva
I know that I have not spoken to you for over a month, but I think about you every single day. There's a lot to preface here, but I'll begin with saying that I respect your silence and your space, and if I don't hear from you after this, I will have to stop trying in order to respect you.
Still, I did not give you the apology you truly deserve. I'm doing this for a few reasons. First of all, it's the right thing to do. There's two ways I can proceed here. I can either do something, or do nothing. If I do nothing, nothing will happen, and there is 0% chance of ever mending anything. So I have to do something, because I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing I could tried have but didn't.

It's going to be extremely difficult for me to write this for so many reasons. I'm terrified you won't even read it at all. I'm extremely terrified it will never be enough, nothing I can say will be enough. All I have are words. All I had were words - words are what I know.
I also know feelings and emotions. If I'm speaking of my feelings and emotions, please know that it's not because I want your sympathy. I will try to only talk about my feelings if I feel it's necessary. Because I'm not here to explain myself or make excuses for my behaviour.

The bottom line is, it is never okay for anyone to speak to anyone the way I spoke to you. It is the ugliest, most hateful discourse I was capable of and I can't take it back. You didn't deserve any of this. It should have been between me and Johnathan only and it is extremely difficult to reckon with, to own up to, to live with.

Specifically, I need to address how disrespectful I was to you and the language I used. I was scared and angry and lost sight of who you were, because suddenly you weren't Eva my good friend, you were someone who was trying to hurt me, and I lost my mind - in the realest sense. Any logic or reasoning went out the window and I could no longer speak to people the way they deserve to be spoken to. My mental health has plagued me my entire life, and while I feel that I am trying to work on it, and myself, there are times like this where I feel I have truly hit a new low and that maybe I haven't learned a fucking thing.
I didn't access any skills or rationale that day. My relationship was at a scary new place and on the verge of imploding. I go over it in my head and try to see what I should have done differently. I should have spoken to Johnathan, I should have accessed help from my mom to take over with Audrey so I could have the space to unpack what was happening, I should have remembered that you are my friend and weren't trying to hurt me.
Everyone is not always trying to hurt me.
Despite fearing being hurt, I'm fully capable of causing it.
I'm sorry for everything I said but I am really sorry for scaring you with dangerous statements about hurting myself, which is definitely the worst part of what was said. The pain I was feeling felt unbearable to me but it is never, ever okay to say those things to someone and I want you to know that I never wanted you to feel at fault for anything, not my pain, not my feelings of hopelessness, none of it. It's not your fault, and it wasn't your fault, and it isn't your fault. Eva, I am so sorry.
You were there for me, so very many times. I need to apologize to you for saying that you weren't my friend, and that you weren't a good friend. It's extremely important that I address this because it is absolutely untrue and was said in pure anger and is absolutely not what I really believe.
I could write a long time about what a good friend you are. I will try not to make this letter extremely long but I have a lot to say. I'll try to make sure I get to it all.

So I met you at an interesting time in my life. Our friendship grew and evolved, you came at a time when I had lost a lot of friends and I was grateful to have someone who actually wanted to spend time with me. Truly, you are a better friend than any of us deserve, and there were times I was scared I wasn't living up to the idea of a friend that you wanted, and that I wasn't giving enough to the friendship. I'm sorry for not making it more clear that you were a great friend, that you were loved, that I care about you. That's not to say I never did, but I could have done so much more, and I could list reasons why (being a parent for one) but I will just say that you deserve more. You deserve to get what you give, I truly think that. I have always seen what a good friend you are, to me, to Johnathan, to Athena; you are a special person.
I didn't know there would be a gaping hole in my heart and my life without you in it. I truly didn't. We haven't even been friends that long, but you were one of my most often texted friends. One of my most frequently messaged people on Instagram. You were there for me. I don't know that I was always there for you. And now, I've made the ultimate mistake in lashing out at you. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me, we both know that you don't have to. There is no reason for you to.
What scares me is that you probably can't or don't or won't trust me again in the future, because how could I prove to you that I'd never do something like this again? There's not much I can do except try to explain how acting this way has severely affected me BECAUSE of the way it affected you, and that your silence, your abscence in my life, has been enough to make me realize I never want to do that again, I will do everything in my absolute power to make sure it doesn't happen again, because I never want to hurt someone the way I hurt you. Or the way I hurt Johnathan.
You're not supposed to hurt the people you love.
And truly, I do love you. I miss you, I feel something missing, most days I'm periodically sad. You don't have to give a fuck about me, though.

There's no reason for you to forgive me.
It'll be a horrible lesson to learn, it'll be something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.
But I'm so sorry for hurting you the way I did. You didn't deserve that, you are a good person.
I don't think I'm a particularily easy person to be friends with. I would understand if you never spoke to me again. Maybe I deserve that. Maybe we just don't appreciate people the way they should be while we can, and only ever realize it when it's far too late. I guess I'll find out.
I'm lucky to have had you for a friend when I did. I truly feel in my bones that it wasn't supposed to be this short, but I know what I did. I can't live my life expecting people to let me treat them like dirt and that apologizing is enough.

I think about you every time I listen to 80's new wave.

Audrey misses you. I'm mad at myself for neglecting to think of her throughout this mess, because almost immediately after the weekend was over, I realized if you never see me again you'll never see her again and how could I ever explain to her why that was going to be the way.
She loves you, so much. I'm not saying this to guilt you. She's just a kid. Sure, if this is the way it has to be, I can protect her feelings and help her understand or at least move on from your abscence without a big to-do. I'm sure I can do that if I have to.
I don't know if it's even right of me to bring this up. I really don't. I just thought you should know that you were more than just a friend to me, you were a friend to my daughter, and that means more to me than you know. It's a struggle to maintain friendships with my lifestyle and you always adjusted to that and made her feel welcome, made me feel supported. There aren't a lot of people who do that.
Every weekend she asks to see you. I truly don't forsee a time that this won't affect me.

If this truly is the last chance I have to say something to you, then all I want to say is I'm sorry and I love you and I will always love you. I understand if you are too scared to be friends with me again. I've been awful to you and although I know that's not who I want to be or who I really am, I understand if you don't believe me. I can't promise to be a perfect person. I never want to hurt you again.

Please know that Johnathan loves you very much and values your friendship so much. He always has. He has always, always said - Eva is a good friend. To him, and to me. He constantly reminded me, and in a way I let you both down. I'm sorry for any way this has negatively affected your friendship with him and please know that I want you to continue to be friends with him, he wants you in his life.

I'll be working hard every day to work on myself. Maybe I will see you again some day.

Big regrets Pt. 2

If I'm talking about big relationship regret, I am talking about Linnea.
Oh how I miss her.
We met in London in 2010 while making our way through the music and party scene. The first time we met was on Richmond row outside of Jacks at the bus stop, I told her I liked her sunglasses.

Linnea was there for the years leading up to Audrey being born. She was there for the baby shower, the pregnancy, I'm sure she was there not long after the birth.

She moved to Toronto but she was there for me every time we needed a place to crash, she was there for me when my relationship with Jamie started to implode. She sat with me on a rooftop on Hyman street about what I deserved in a relationship and how I could exist as a parent, as a mom, on my own, could I do it on my own?

Then I left Jamie. It had to happen. We weren't happy, I wasn't happy, and Linnea's parents let me and Audrey move in with them temporarily while my life had it's second or third major shift.

I had become a parent, I had crossed that hurdle, now two years into it just when it was getting good, (the parenting- not the relationship) I was out on my own and starting the next chapter of my life.
I found a place for us to live after a month or more of trying. I could feel we had outstayed our welcome, I wasn't ready to move on but I was. I had just started a new job at The Bag Lady and I was hopeful I would be able to make rent in a two bedroom apartment in Old East Village.

Linnea began her Big Music Career and Audrey was in one of her music videos. We spent the day in Toronto with Violet and Jeremy and Ann; it's probably a core memory for Audrey.

My life started to turn bad. I was living a wild life; in a passionate but toxic polyamorous relationship with my coworker/best friend and keeping it from everyone we knew, until we went public, and then it really didn't last much longer because what the fuck was I doing anyways, in a poly relationship with a hot young guy when I had a 3/4 year old to take care of. I wanted it all, I thought I could have it all, not looking ahead to the future or what actually makes sense for our lifestyles.
Just living day to day off love, lust, desperate hope and not much else.
The relationship totally tanked. There were many reasons. I had almost immediately began therapy when the breakup commenced, and it lasted months, and I thought I was probably healed enough.
I wasn't, I was severerly fucked up. And then COVID happened. I lost connection to people, we all lost our minds. This is when friendships started to fall apart and my mixed up feelings from my failed relationship were all unravelling in a disgusting, messy way. Enough so that it trailed into my next relationship which, in hindsight, I probably should have delayed for further healing.

Now, my timeline is all blurred because I'm fairly certain I attended therapy after breaking up with Alex but when did I do DBT? I believe it was a 6 month program maybe even a year and there may have been overlap into my relationship with Johnathan.

I'm fairly certain I did DBT after losing Linnea as a friend.

DBT ended in March 2022 so the timeline goes roughly like this:
2015 Audrey born
2017 leave Jamie, move to OEV, start working at The Bag Lady
Date Alex from 2017-2019
First ever therapist around this time
Covid begins 2020 as well as my relationship with JJ
DBT began 2021 and ended 2022.
2023 Jamie dies, I'm forever changed
2024 I wonder how I can possibly fix all the problems I've caused and continue to cause. Can I salvage my relationship? Do I have to because it's my longest ever and I feel like I can't fail anymore and I need to make it work? I know I love Johnathan. I just have to know our relationship can work and that we WANT it to work.
I do but I am so full of bad feelings.

Understanding my fear, anger and jealousy

Facts: I need lots of reassurance and continued words of encouragement that I am safe, loved, understood
I have always had a heightened sense of panic when there is minor conflict and since Jamie died I have been even more aware of danger, threats, a greater fear of being hurt. I always feel like I'm going to be hurt so I intentionally create chaos and pain in order to somehow feel in control, while instigating and creating the exact scenario I didn't want to happen. It's been an ongoing cycle for me and I'm not sure how to break it.
Why do I feel uneasy about him being out, there, with her. Because I know I did something wrong and there is unclear feelings and confusion on where people stand and where things will go. I have deep fears of people saying bad things about me, thinking bad things about me, feeling that I am a bad person. I don't want the people I love to think I'm a bad person but I act poorly sometimes and hurt them and then can't deal with the fallout of shame. I can't sit with the fact that I was hurt but also did the hurting and can't control the situation any more. When in reality this all began because I felt immense hurt and betrayl and pain and I struggle with feeling REALLY SEEN by my partner as a person who is unhealed, as a person who is confused and acting out from a place of fear. I am not always the strong, clear-headed version of myself I would like to be. Often I am destructibe and self-destructive. I will reconcile and come full circle at some point, every day, and realize it is not the Alyssa I want to be.

Late at night, when my medication has long worn off, is not the time for me to speak on my feelings. Alone, only Audrey by my side, but I can't even pay any attention to her because my mind is elsewhere. It's glued to my phone and I'm spiralling.

I still fear being left in the dark and not knowing what's going on. What the people in my life are saying about me. Are they happy without me around? Am I the one who ruins every single relationship? Every friendship? Eventually I push every single person away with anger? I'm not just an angry person. I swear, I can be happy, I can be nice, I can be loving. I don't want to be the person who pushes their partner to sneak around and lie and keep things because they can't handle the reaction I'm going to give.
That is so, so sad. How could I have become this person. This isn't what I want.

I want my partner to feel respected. I want to be able to nurture a healthy relationship where I feel safe and cared for and my partner has the freedom the do what they want without worrying about how I feel. I want to be wholly independant about my feelings and fears but see further ahead to how speculation and imagining scenarios leads to jealousy, hurt, anger and lashing out.
He says I lash out and I always will.
Will I ever be the person I want to be?

Big regrets pt. 1

There's honestly so much wrong with me I don't know where to start. My brain is overwheled and overwhelming, so much has happened in the past few years. Let's unpack a bit.

Audrey is 9 years old. I'm the parent of a nine year old. I've been a parent for almost a decade. It is a huge part of my identity. It has defined the past decade.

It's been just over six months since Jamie died. This also defines me, because I changed after that day. I am significantly more damaged and have significantly more work to do to repair.
Before I became a parent, life was simpler, but I see my life as two parts now. Pre parenthood and post. Pre-parenthood I was still a child myself, I was still on the up and coming, growing, there was lots and lots to explore and everything seemed endless, every opportunity seemed open, everything seemed possible. I desperately wanted this story of some sort and was trying to get it sorted out somehow. Who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do. Back then it was partying, depression, lots of friendships, lots of time. Random jobs, burnout, no self-reflection or understanding whatsoever and issues arising but not being aware of why or how or what to do about it.

Parenting flipped my life upside down and changed all my priorities. It forced me to be a better person and do some serious self-analysis. I wanted to be healthier. Splitting up with Jamie wasn't easy but I did it because I knew it was the best possible thing for me. And it was, then I had a few extra years of messy relationships with hot young guys which I never would've expected post-parenthood. But things were still messy, I was still messy. Things started to unravel. In these past years, I've learned about autism, ADHD, neurodivergent people and self-diagnosed over the span of the last few years based upon a lot, a lot of information and various online tests. I haven't gotten around to talking to my family doctor about it, I don't feel like I need to rush into a diagnosis or getting medication for it. Johnathan doesn't think more medication is the answer for me. I don't know the answer. I take a super high dosage of anti-anxiety/depression meds every day. I smoke a LOT of weed. I was so close to starting the DBT program when a lot of major relationships started to fall apart. Up until then, I had really felt like some of my friendships were going to be forever. It was truly unbelievable to me what happened. Looking back now, I see parallels from two times in my life.

In grade nine, I was approached by friends and my family and told that they felt there was something seriously wrong with me, that they think I needed help. They said things like, I was always angry, always unhappy, and hard to be around. Soon after I saw my doctor and was diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depression medication. I was 14. I've been on anti-depressants ever since. It's been 19 years. Luckily, at the time I got better quick and my friends at the time were understanding and rode it out. My friend Nicole ended up being my friend all throughout high school and early college years. I still miss her sometimes, and to this day don't know why she stopped being friends with me. It was probably a bunch of things over the span of years and the distance between us made it easy to slowly cut the cord.

So this reminds me of a few years ago when I was going through a messy breakup and thinking my life was at the lowest it could be (lol) and I mourned the breakup I was going through, but really it was toxic and making me act toxic and I can't clearly testify who I was during that time but I know I must have been unbearable to be around because I was sat down by two of my best friends and told that they no longer found joy in our friendships. I was mostly negative to be around, not reciprocating in the friendships, pushing them away and self-sabotoging likely. Very unhealthy behavior I'm pretty sure. Sometimes I want to ask them again, what the fuck happened? But I don't want to be gaslit- so I stick to the facts I specifically remember. No joy. No *more* joy. And then there was Linnea.

Today I met with Audrey's therapist, one-on-one. We have had 18 sessions, two or three of which were just me and Hannah, the rest were with Audrey. It has been over six months since Jamie died. It's impossible to track Audrey's "progress" in therapy; it's a win for me that she goes at all. I didn't go into it expecting progress, because I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations. I don't know what should or shouldn't be happening.

I know that Audrey says she is fine. Audrey says I am more sad than she is, I'm the one who needs extra help and support. I'm the one who should do EMDR therapy, she's the one packing my lunches the night before.

I don't think I'm falling short as a mother, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes I struggle. She tries to be there for me to pick me up. Hannah says (in a matter of words) this is not good. Audrey sees me as a friend, but I am her mother. She must be constantly reminded that I'm OKAY and even if I'm not, I have the support I need (do I though?)and she needn't worry about me. I stopped going to therapy because I started to dread going every week and can't really afford double therapies... I probably could if I quit weed and stopped eating out/buying food.

Hannah wants to pause or end our sessions. It's not that Audrey isn't capable of growth... she just has her wall built up so high it isn't coming down. Hannah asked her associates if they had ever known of a child who experienced a parents death, has skipped all the stages of grief and gone straight to acceptance? They said no. They will always eventually experience them, at some point. Later on. In time.

Hannah wants to have a couple more sessions to give Audrey one more chance to ask any questions that she may still have, and to work on strengthening my safe parenting style in order to provide an optimal environment for Audrey to eventually feel what she needs to feel, as well as preparing me for when she does begin to show any emotion whatsoever and begin processing some part of the grief. I'm not ready, I have been fearing it this whole time, and she's given me nothing. It's too easy, I know it can't be this easy. Her dad died and she acts like she's fine. Nothing I say, no memory, no photograph, no TV show, movie or song can illicit a response from her. I cannot evoke a smile, I've never heard her say "I miss daddy". Not once.

In some ways, I feel worse than when we started. I feel like I wanted something to start and end on a positive progressive note and it hasn't. There's been no progression, essentially nothing has changed. And I'm still sad. She's not wrong when she calls me out for being sad. It hurts me deep in my soul when I think about the greater picture, which is her living the rest of her life with her dad dead from suicide. It will define her, it will be part of her whether she wants it to be, whether I want it to be. Her dad was, is, Jamie Williamson. Why him? I don't know. But he gave me Audrey and I can tell you right now I wouldn't ever want to live my life without Audrey. She is the love of my life and my heart breaks for her. Because I know that she loved him deeply. I'm the only one who really knows.