Today I met with Audrey's therapist, one-on-one. We have had 18 sessions, two or three of which were just me and Hannah, the rest were with Audrey. It has been over six months since Jamie died. It's impossible to track Audrey's "progress" in therapy; it's a win for me that she goes at all. I didn't go into it expecting progress, because I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations. I don't know what should or shouldn't be happening.

I know that Audrey says she is fine. Audrey says I am more sad than she is, I'm the one who needs extra help and support. I'm the one who should do EMDR therapy, she's the one packing my lunches the night before.

I don't think I'm falling short as a mother, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes I struggle. She tries to be there for me to pick me up. Hannah says (in a matter of words) this is not good. Audrey sees me as a friend, but I am her mother. She must be constantly reminded that I'm OKAY and even if I'm not, I have the support I need (do I though?)and she needn't worry about me. I stopped going to therapy because I started to dread going every week and can't really afford double therapies... I probably could if I quit weed and stopped eating out/buying food.

Hannah wants to pause or end our sessions. It's not that Audrey isn't capable of growth... she just has her wall built up so high it isn't coming down. Hannah asked her associates if they had ever known of a child who experienced a parents death, has skipped all the stages of grief and gone straight to acceptance? They said no. They will always eventually experience them, at some point. Later on. In time.

Hannah wants to have a couple more sessions to give Audrey one more chance to ask any questions that she may still have, and to work on strengthening my safe parenting style in order to provide an optimal environment for Audrey to eventually feel what she needs to feel, as well as preparing me for when she does begin to show any emotion whatsoever and begin processing some part of the grief. I'm not ready, I have been fearing it this whole time, and she's given me nothing. It's too easy, I know it can't be this easy. Her dad died and she acts like she's fine. Nothing I say, no memory, no photograph, no TV show, movie or song can illicit a response from her. I cannot evoke a smile, I've never heard her say "I miss daddy". Not once.

In some ways, I feel worse than when we started. I feel like I wanted something to start and end on a positive progressive note and it hasn't. There's been no progression, essentially nothing has changed. And I'm still sad. She's not wrong when she calls me out for being sad. It hurts me deep in my soul when I think about the greater picture, which is her living the rest of her life with her dad dead from suicide. It will define her, it will be part of her whether she wants it to be, whether I want it to be. Her dad was, is, Jamie Williamson. Why him? I don't know. But he gave me Audrey and I can tell you right now I wouldn't ever want to live my life without Audrey. She is the love of my life and my heart breaks for her. Because I know that she loved him deeply. I'm the only one who really knows.