It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse

Every day I force myself to keep on moving even though I feel pretty dead inside. I can find small joy in things, and I have moments of rational thinking in which I am able to identify what might really be the best things for me rn.

I've been indulging in unhealthy behaviours. Messaging Johnathan too much. Relying on him for help and support. Going to him for answers but he's slowly starting to pull back.
He was the one who always told me to be safe. Drive safe. Take my pills. Take my pills on time. Eat. Wear a seatbelt. Don't text and drive. Don't go to Jamie's house because he isn't responding. Don't go inside if he doesn't answer.

Then he would screen everything for me. Any media - TV or movie - was vetted by him first to make sure there was no mention or depiction of suicide. He wouldn't even let me see it. He protected me.

Perhaps most of what I'm missing/ or what I'm seeking (from a partner) is security and guaranteed protection. One person who HAS to be there for me "no matter what".
Johnathan and I always had rules regarding this. He would BE there for me, but he wouldn't tolerate disrespect. If I was unwell, it didn't excuse me for treating him poorly. And I would try, time and time again, to treat him with respect regardless of my mental state. Regardless of if I was off my meds, manic, exasperated, or just overstimulated.
Parenting does that to you, there were so many times I just wanted to lean on him as a secondary parental figure. And I did, when I could. When he was available. Over time he became less and less available for us.
It's so hard to manage our lives and schedules.
The relationship failed when we stopped prioritizing it. We were "together" but the relationship had plateau'd and my unconditional love and willingness to try harder, do more, do anything - none of that mattered anymore. Something had switched in his brain, maybe his heart too, something changed and I no longer felt any love when we were together. I desperately tried to seek it out, doing many things to try to get him to show me he still cared. The harder I tried, the worse things got. Because I wanted my time with him so badly, I wanted all his time, and the more I held on the harder he pulled away. He said he did love me. I tried to believe I could adjust my needs in order to make him happy, thinking if he had what made him happy then surely he would make time for me and all would be right again. It didn't happen. No matter how much time and space I gave him, it didn't make him miss me or want to come back to me for some quality time. I began to accept less and less. It started to feel like he didn't need me, our relationship, and prioritizing it was no longer an option in his mind.

I truly cannot fathom how someone could really love another but give up this way. HE believes we tried for some time. I believe we were disconnected for a long time, and there were reasons that we couldn't make time for repair, and a couple stand alone incidents that did serious damage to our relationship. One being my friendship ending with Eva. And now her and Johnathan are still friends, possibly closer than ever, and of course it hurts me because now I've lost both of them.

And I miss both of them so much.
And it hurts me to see him move on.
And it hurts that I'm not by his side.
And I'm no longer your muse
I'm no longer every second photo on your camera roll.
You took my drill but left this big amp.


I'm still in love with my ex.
I only just began to say it out loud, I still haven't changed his name in my phone. His name is actually still everywhere. It's his birthday soon. He made his Instagram private so I can't get upset by his posts, and I'm still finding his earplugs all over the house.
And I'm still finding his razors.
And I'm still wondering if it was the experimental drugs that led him to initially stop feeling anything for me and making him so depressed.
He told me a few days ago that he still loves me and always will.
I don't know how he really feels and I never really did. I believe the words he says, I always believed him. I just think there's more going on inside his head that he won't dare speak aloud and I partly see the proof in that based on how he is about his mom. In our 4.5 years together he opened up to me about her *maybe* three times. He barely spoke of her. I think he holds a lot of deep pain inside and locks it up and swallows it down deep and I think he struggles with feeling things.

I wish he had agreed to go to therapy with me. I think he needs it, I think everyone needs it. I know I do, I wish I could afford to see someone again, if only to help me navigate this break-up and help me to understand WHY I think this loss is so important and WHAT I really want and need from this life because I cannot and will not enter another relationship until I really know why I'm doing that.
And I just mean other than wanting attention, physical affection, and someone to spend time with. I can get a lot of my basic needs met by either validating/celebrating myself, and surrounding myself with my friends. But I do crave intimacy, especially physical affection, preferably from a hot guy. Because it's been a hot minute.

I have a need to be constantly productive, and lately I'm at odds with the house feeling messy/cluttered, all the laundry I have to do because of Delilah, and the empty spaces that still make no sense since Johnathan has left. I'd love a roomate in theory but it would have to be JUST the right person.

I still feel alone here. The house isn't that big, but without him it feels huge.
I still want to make it a happy cozy space while we are here.
I don't know what the rest of the summer holds, let alone the rest of the year - but I know things have to change. Sometimes they stay the same for such a long time, but now it's one of those times when it all gets shook up and I'm thrown for a loop.
Last Summer everything changed.
Things I couldn't imagine happen, happened.


I'm still here, I still feel the warmth of sunshine on my skin, I can take a picture of a rose, I can watch my dog sleep.

I can still love and I will learn to love better, I will never stop trying to mend my broken relationships (unless specifically asked not to cross a boundary)

I don't want to live a life of regret and I don't want to believe that I'm a bad person who cannot be forgiven.

I love you, (Johnathan, Eva, Jamie, Linnea,)

But more importantly, I still love myself, enough to try again and try again.

And maybe I won't make the same mistakes again and again.

Beyond your darkness I'm your light, I'll trade your broken wings for mine

I just miss him so fucking much. It hurts so bad. I cannot understand how I can be in this much pain and feel so alone, I never know who to turn to anymore. I feel like I'm a drain on the friends I do have and cannot keep bringing up the same facts - I'm sad, I miss him, I'm heartbroken, I want him back.

All I can think about are the happy memories. Driving with him listening to Blur and he sings the entirety of Parklife in his British accent. Hearing the door open and knowing he is home. It's so fucking empty without you. I keep confessing my deep anguish and pain and he listens and he responds but he is finite and certain that this has ended. He uses past tense when talking about his love for me.

He still has many things at the house. Mostly in the basement back room, but there are remnants of him throughout the house. I think he must not realize that, or it's things he doesn't care about anymore and doesn't care to remove. I said I didn't care but no matter what it still feels like I've got some connection to him, like he will come back, and once it's all gone I will know that he isn't coming back, and that's gonna hurt the most. I'm so scared that once he leaves my life for good it will be for good. I don't want him gone, I'm so desperate for anything, a friendship in the future, god I don't want to lose him in his entirety forever. I love him, I loved him, I will love him.

He speaks of my love for him as unconditional and says he will never forget it. I don't know how to be alone. How can I go on knowing the love of my life doesn't want my love anymore, has nothing left to give me. I don't want anyone else, I want him. I wanted him. All night, every night.

I hold these horrible, dark secret fantasies. I tell myself he is broken inside and needs to figure himself out. I tell myself he DOES still love me and will come back to me one day. One day he will wake up and realize it's me - I'm the one who will love him forever and be his best friend, why doesn't he want that? Why doesn't he want to be my partner in this life?

I want to dance with you in the kitchen again. I want to kiss your back while you sleep. I want to kiss your scars and dry your eyes. I love you, Johnathan.
My heart is so broken.
I wish you could come back to me. I'm down bad like I lost my twin, my other half was you, I hope this pain is just passing through, but I doubt it.
I will wait for your love.
I wish you would come back to me, my love. I will never understand how this happened. I just wanted to love you and be loved by you. It should be simple. I don't know what to do anymore. Please come back to me.

In my dreams it's me and you, we are driving down a country road and the sun is starting to go down. You tell me how it makes you feel bittersweet, when a beautiful beach day has to end. The feeling you had as a kid driving home knowing the day is over. That is the feeling, the pain and longing. I want to go back to that day. I don't want it to end. I want to go back and live every moment again with you.

You were worth the trouble, you were worth the pain.
You were worth the worry, I would do the same.
If we all went back to another time,
I would love you over.
I would love you over.
I would love you