I just miss him so fucking much. It hurts so bad. I cannot understand how I can be in this much pain and feel so alone, I never know who to turn to anymore. I feel like I'm a drain on the friends I do have and cannot keep bringing up the same facts - I'm sad, I miss him, I'm heartbroken, I want him back.
All I can think about are the happy memories. Driving with him listening to Blur and he sings the entirety of Parklife in his British accent. Hearing the door open and knowing he is home. It's so fucking empty without you. I keep confessing my deep anguish and pain and he listens and he responds but he is finite and certain that this has ended. He uses past tense when talking about his love for me.
He still has many things at the house. Mostly in the basement back room, but there are remnants of him throughout the house. I think he must not realize that, or it's things he doesn't care about anymore and doesn't care to remove. I said I didn't care but no matter what it still feels like I've got some connection to him, like he will come back, and once it's all gone I will know that he isn't coming back, and that's gonna hurt the most. I'm so scared that once he leaves my life for good it will be for good. I don't want him gone, I'm so desperate for anything, a friendship in the future, god I don't want to lose him in his entirety forever. I love him, I loved him, I will love him.
He speaks of my love for him as unconditional and says he will never forget it. I don't know how to be alone. How can I go on knowing the love of my life doesn't want my love anymore, has nothing left to give me. I don't want anyone else, I want him. I wanted him. All night, every night.
I hold these horrible, dark secret fantasies. I tell myself he is broken inside and needs to figure himself out. I tell myself he DOES still love me and will come back to me one day. One day he will wake up and realize it's me - I'm the one who will love him forever and be his best friend, why doesn't he want that? Why doesn't he want to be my partner in this life?
I want to dance with you in the kitchen again. I want to kiss your back while you sleep. I want to kiss your scars and dry your eyes. I love you, Johnathan.
My heart is so broken.
I wish you could come back to me. I'm down bad like I lost my twin, my other half was you, I hope this pain is just passing through, but I doubt it.
I will wait for your love.
I wish you would come back to me, my love. I will never understand how this happened. I just wanted to love you and be loved by you. It should be simple. I don't know what to do anymore. Please come back to me.
In my dreams it's me and you, we are driving down a country road and the sun is starting to go down. You tell me how it makes you feel bittersweet, when a beautiful beach day has to end. The feeling you had as a kid driving home knowing the day is over. That is the feeling, the pain and longing. I want to go back to that day. I don't want it to end. I want to go back and live every moment again with you.
You were worth the trouble, you were worth the pain.
You were worth the worry, I would do the same.
If we all went back to another time,
I would love you over.
I would love you over.
I would love you
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