Dear Jamie

08/08/2023

I just shared my breakfast with Poppy. He has finally settled in here. July 20th is the last time we saw you. Almost three weeks ago. Every day feels both better and worse. Mornings are the hardest, having to remember all over again. So much has happened in three weeks. I still have much to do. I've been keeping Audrey busy. She's in Rock Camp for two weeks. One of her first lyrics written is "thoughts fly away like a butterfly". Her band is called LV WOW (level wow). I need a bunch of clothes that are at your house. She's been running low on shorts all summer long and I had to cut a bunch of her leggings into biker shorts so now I'll need to get all new pants for Fall. I triggered myself this morning by looking at your Facebook. I cried over the picture you posted of her at Storybook Gardens at the start of Summer break. She will start Grade 3 without you here. We've never done a first day of school without you, Jamie. My Facebook memories yesterday had two posts from years ago when I was pissed off at you for being "useless" and unreliable, then one even older one about a Daniel Johnston song and when I fell in love with you. I really wanted you to keep growing, keep going? Now all I can do is look back at the past years and piece together every single instance and try to look for ? I don't know what I'm looking for. Answers or clues. Something to ease the pain. It doesn't work like that, I'm pretty sure. Just like we looked for a note. Well someone told me the coroner told them there wasn't a note. I don't know where your phone is, your wallet? I need to talk to your mom again. I've been avoiding, mostly everyone lately. I wish I could call you up. I feel like I will never forget your voice. I'm so mad at you all over again. I have one big cry every day. She doesn't cry. I don't understand it, she would whine and pine for you when she knew she could. Know she just knows - she doesn't say much. Last night when Johnathan was playing The Witcher, she said "my dad beat this game twice". Later she said "I don't remember this part from when my dad played it."

She's playing keys again this week at camp. Next week she will do vocals. Random girls keep adding me to Facebook. I just accept the requests because I figure maybe they want to see pictures or memories of you. Today is for looking into therapy. I should have pushed you harder for it. I should have stuck my nose in your business, got involved, if only I had known had bad it had become for you. Everyone says you can't blame yourself *at all* but I regret not trying harder. Because I'd do anything for Audrey - and that meant making sure she had her dad around. And for that I will always feel like I failed her a little. I know you loved her. That's why I can't understand how you could let it end. You can't see us anymore. Your body doesn't even exist anymore. That fucks me up so hard. I didn't want you to be cremated but I knew it had to be done. I didn't want you to slowly decay either I guess. It's like how I held you for a second longer even though my logic immediately told me if you were that cold you were surely gone. My brain worked things out so fast in those last seconds together. I knew you were gone, I saw, felt, smelled, all the signs, but I held you one last second in my arms before I knew I would never touch you or see you again. That was my closure. It was me, Jamie. I was the one who found you. I was the one who called and called and finally came over to see you and talk to you. I did care. God I wish you had known.